Liam

[Filter: Amalea, in Kilian]

Erin said that I should talk to you about whatever it is she's doing. And what she tells me of what she's doing is ... well, it sounds ridiculous. An artifact that might destroy all of Megam, at least? That do -- Justin died for? You know how crazy that sounds, right? If it was true, the Clerics would have sent more people there to retrieve it or study it or something once Justin went missing, and ... I know you're a particularly nosy foreigner so you know why this is hard to believe.

Dragons, I don't even know why I'm even talking about this to you.

[Filter: Erin ; in Kilian]

So.

No one's said anything about how you're feeling lately, so I'm going to hope that you're still fine, and not huddling in a dark ditch and refusing to eat or talk to anyone, and forcing yourself to be alone. I still can't understand why you do that, even after all of these years. Being sad and miserable and not even able to tell why or where yourself, let alone tell someone else.

You know, for the longest time, I was afraid I'd be like you. I was afraid that maybe one day, I'll wake up feeling like no-one can reach me, that something was removing me from the world, that I'd have this well of despair suddenly overflowing and drowning me. And then it happened ... except I knew exactly what the cause was.

Aurnia knows everything now. She knows how I made her father my mentor, about how I could've told him everything about how she suffered while he was away, how I got him killed by his wife and her lover. She found out at the worst possible moment, and she chose staying in a house with people who abuse her over coming with me. I don't know how I'm going to fix it, Erin. Maybe I just shouldn't try.

And as much as I'd like to lock myself up in my room right now, I can't. There's the triplets, which is your fault, you know. It hit me, when they were trying to cheer me up, that I can't play the fun uncle forever. If you're really not coming back, I actually do have to be a father to them, and Dragons damn it, Erin, I'm twenty-four! I'm supposed to be making the most of my youth here, and you've saddled me with children! And they're not toddlers anymore, Erin, they're real children, and it's scary.

I don't know how you lived with this for so long. Having your head wrapped in a fog of misery and feeling like you're never going to shake it off. But something happened to make me feel this way. And I'm talking. I've kept talking and writing to people. So maybe feeling like this was nothing to be afraid of after all. I'm nothing like you.

[Filter: Private ; in Kilian]

Well, I tried pretending with the triplets that I wasn't feeling like crap, but they didn't believe me. So I'm either a horrible liar, or it really is true that children are very good at spotting when someone isn't being honest with them. Dragons, they're actually old enough to understand that I'm not happy. When did that happen?

Dragons, I can't believe that I've been moping. Sure, I fucked up practically everything for Aurnia, but I just can't stop thinking about it. I feel like ... like I'm being pulled down and I can't cut the weight off. I feel like dealing with people is too much of a damn hassle. I feel like being alone, for a long, long time.

... Is this what Erin feels like, whenever she's mopey? I spend all these years trying to not be like her, and look what happened. I'm this close to just withdrawing from everything.

... Yeah, fuck that.

[Filter: Erin ; in Kilian]

So. What's happening with you? Anything you can tell me that won't put the world in danger somehow?

[Filter: Private ; in Kilian]

I have to do this right. I'm the only one who can.

I really hope this works.

[Filter: Aurnia ; in Kilian]

All right. I'm at the front door. I'm going to ask for Dougal. Tell me where you're going so I can get him as far away from you as I can.

[Filter: Private ; Kilian]

All right. I can't put this off any longer. I have to deal with the consequences of whatever happens, and me not doing anything will be worse. She has to get out of there. That's the most important thing.

[Filter: Aurnia ; Kilian]

Hey, are you there?

[Kilian]

No, wait, the triplets have assignments? And I have to help them? When did that happen? How did this happen? I don't remember getting homework at their age! ... Well, I never did any homework at their age.

Huh, they're really growing up.

[Filter: Private ; Kilian]

Ugh, Neala actually went there on Sunday and got the news I thought she would get. And ever since, she has us all looking for Desmund at any place he even mentioned in passing, and I just want to scream that she's never going to find him, because he's dead and his wife killed him. If Aurnia were here, people would believe her, wouldn't they? She's his daughter.

[Filter: Aurnia, in Kilian]

I'm sorry about Sunday, I ... got caught up in a few things. But I'm coming now for sure. I'll be outside tonight. I'll tell you when I'm there.

[Filter: Private ; Kilian]

Still nothing.

Maybe Desmund and Aurnia really did figure out what they're going to do. No one's heard anything about Desmund coming back here. Good. He should be spending more time with Aurnia. I shouldn't be surprised that a brilliant researcher would be a terrible father, but ... I like him, I guess. As a person. He listens to me. Doesn't make me feel stupid, and I've done some really stupid things. It'd be nice to respect him totally without reservations.

Still, it would be good to know what's going on. One less thing to worry about. I mean, I've been thinking too hard about everything, this and Erin and the new trial we're going to start soon, and I haven't even come up with a joke of a theory of what a dragon is doing at the citadel. Again. But I probably shouldn't bother them. They'd have ... a lot of catching up to do.

[Filter: Public ; Kilian]

So, here's something everyone will have heard before! There was a dragon at the citadel. One of the real, big ones. Maybe it came back, after, uh, a few years? Or maybe it's a new one. Maybe there's a nest, or something, that the only the Clerics know about. Who knows?

[Filter: Private ; Kilian]

Seriously? He's here?

He came bursting in here early this morning, apparently, and he and Neala haven't been out of the office since. I can't make out what they've been talking about. Something artifact something answers, something something. What has he been doing for the past month? Has he seriously been artifact hunting?

Why the fuck is he here? I don't even know what I should do.

[Filter: Private ; in Kilian]

I can't find Desmund.

His study hasn't been unlocked since he left. Neala said he's at the manor, and if he made any changes in his plans, he'd at least say something about it to her. I don't think she's keeping anything from me either, so whatever he's doing, he either wants it to be kept secret, or ... someone wants him to disappear.

I hope I'm wrong. Dragons, I hope I'm wrong.

I need to find out more about Dougal. If anyone's keeping Desmund from the manor, it's got to be him. Who is he? Maybe they both wrote something together. I can look for that. Maybe he was a part of this lab. Maybe he has the job Neala has now.

None of this was supposed to be so hard.