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[Filter: Erin ; in Kilian]
So.
No one's said anything about how you're feeling lately, so I'm going to hope that you're still fine, and not huddling in a dark ditch and refusing to eat or talk to anyone, and forcing yourself to be alone. I still can't understand why you do that, even after all of these years. Being sad and miserable and not even able to tell why or where yourself, let alone tell someone else.
You know, for the longest time, I was afraid I'd be like you. I was afraid that maybe one day, I'll wake up feeling like no-one can reach me, that something was removing me from the world, that I'd have this well of despair suddenly overflowing and drowning me. And then it happened ... except I knew exactly what the cause was.
Aurnia knows everything now. She knows how I made her father my mentor, about how I could've told him everything about how she suffered while he was away, how I got him killed by his wife and her lover. She found out at the worst possible moment, and she chose staying in a house with people who abuse her over coming with me. I don't know how I'm going to fix it, Erin. Maybe I just shouldn't try.
And as much as I'd like to lock myself up in my room right now, I can't. There's the triplets, which is your fault, you know. It hit me, when they were trying to cheer me up, that I can't play the fun uncle forever. If you're really not coming back, I actually do have to be a father to them, and Dragons damn it, Erin, I'm twenty-four! I'm supposed to be making the most of my youth here, and you've saddled me with children! And they're not toddlers anymore, Erin, they're real children, and it's scary.
I don't know how you lived with this for so long. Having your head wrapped in a fog of misery and feeling like you're never going to shake it off. But something happened to make me feel this way. And I'm talking. I've kept talking and writing to people. So maybe feeling like this was nothing to be afraid of after all. I'm nothing like you.
So.
No one's said anything about how you're feeling lately, so I'm going to hope that you're still fine, and not huddling in a dark ditch and refusing to eat or talk to anyone, and forcing yourself to be alone. I still can't understand why you do that, even after all of these years. Being sad and miserable and not even able to tell why or where yourself, let alone tell someone else.
You know, for the longest time, I was afraid I'd be like you. I was afraid that maybe one day, I'll wake up feeling like no-one can reach me, that something was removing me from the world, that I'd have this well of despair suddenly overflowing and drowning me. And then it happened ... except I knew exactly what the cause was.
Aurnia knows everything now. She knows how I made her father my mentor, about how I could've told him everything about how she suffered while he was away, how I got him killed by his wife and her lover. She found out at the worst possible moment, and she chose staying in a house with people who abuse her over coming with me. I don't know how I'm going to fix it, Erin. Maybe I just shouldn't try.
And as much as I'd like to lock myself up in my room right now, I can't. There's the triplets, which is your fault, you know. It hit me, when they were trying to cheer me up, that I can't play the fun uncle forever. If you're really not coming back, I actually do have to be a father to them, and Dragons damn it, Erin, I'm twenty-four! I'm supposed to be making the most of my youth here, and you've saddled me with children! And they're not toddlers anymore, Erin, they're real children, and it's scary.
I don't know how you lived with this for so long. Having your head wrapped in a fog of misery and feeling like you're never going to shake it off. But something happened to make me feel this way. And I'm talking. I've kept talking and writing to people. So maybe feeling like this was nothing to be afraid of after all. I'm nothing like you.
